Not Confused Anymore

Well, Mr. Wonderful is not so wonderful anymore. I was a fool once again, but NO more. I can't get suckered in every time he thinks it's ok to start things up like nothing happened.

He put it out there that he possibility wanted more and so when I ask him about it do I get an answer? Of course not!! I just wanted to know either way if we were on the same page or if I totally misread what he said those two nights we talked. I'm not stupid in what he said. He was recindling the past and starting up a possible new future with us.

I guess that's all it was - it was all talk. I can't tempt myself into talking with him anymore. I'm sure in a few months we will talk again - it seems to be the pattern with us, but if it does happen again I'll be sure to put my foot down and not let it get too far.

At one time we could have been really great together, but that time was a LONG time ago and that ship has sailed.

Confused

My ex from two years ago contacts me this weekend and we had two great conversations. So great that I am a tad confused on what he wants from me and us. We seem to always come back to each other every 4-5 months. I have forgiven him, but forgetting is another story. To this day I have a hard time trusting the men I am with in fear it will happen again. It felt good talking to him again, but it was just talking. The passion we once had was there again which makes talking now all the more confusing.

He broke my heart like you wouldn't believe. I cried for months wondering why. It took so long to get over because I never received any closure from him. I was left hanging with no answer which hurt more than anything. I knew the answer, but wish he had just told me why. I never thought I would get over it. I evenutally did, but have yet to have a decent relationship since.

I'm willing to work on being friends with him, but I'm not sure about being anything more. I at one time thought he was the love of my life. He very well could be, but how much is it going to take for us to get what we had back? How can I be sure he won't do it again?

He is one of the sweetest guys out there other than the one flaw that ended our relationship. It's because of him that I believe good guys really do exist. I just need to find one. I am kinda looking and kinda taking a break. I want to find Mr. Right whether it is him or someone else. I think I deserve a Mr. Right.

After we broke up I wrote this poem abour our relationship and how it all ended.

Shattered

My heart still breaks every single day
To not know is killing me
You are a little boy trapped in a man’s body
Not man enough to tell me the truth
Not man enough to face me in person
Your actions repeat those of your father
Left me alone without an answer
Left me alone without any closure

Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we used to have
Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we could have had

You shattered me into a million pieces
Pieces I do not think will ever be whole again
You gave me the world and took it all away
All for someone who left when you needed her most

You were the love of my life
The one that wanted to raise my vail
And have that baby girl
The one that said we would grow old together
And stare a lifetime into my eyes
Whatever happened to him?
Whatever happened to our fate?

I never knew what true love was like until I found youy
I never knew what true love was like until I lost you

I am always the one that is so strong
But with all my power and strength
I cannot put you out of my mind and heart
You took away my trust
You took away my passion and spirit
You took away everything I cherished most

You made me feel so special
And wanted to spend the rest of forever with me
I lit up at the sound of your voice
And you took my breath away
I melted every time you said I Love You
And you always put a smile on my face
Made the most difficult times better
With a promise to always be there
Here I am at my most difficult time with no smile in sight
And you are no where to be found
I guess forever got be too long
I never imagined Prince Charming could be so wrong

One day you will realize what you have lost
By then it will be too late
No matter how much I still care for you
Nothing could make me take you back

I want to find someone who can take away the pain you have caused
Will I ever let him?
I can only hope
I have put up my walls again
And hide my feelings from those who care

Someone will find me again
I hope he will have the patience
And give me that chance
Keep trying when I push him away
And understand my hesitation
It is all because of you
I will not be crushed again

©Kristina Allen 2005

In my poem I state that I wouldn't take him back, but now I'm wondering. That confusion could be overshadowed by the lonliness that I am feeling and I could be walking a fine line and jumping into this too soon.

I have emailed him and asked him straight out what he wants for me. If I read into what he was saying wrong I want him to tell me. If he wants to work on it again I want him to tell me. I just don't want to be left in the dark being confused on what he wants and most of all I don't want to get hurt again. A lot of my friends would kick my butt if I went back to him, but it is my choice. Right now I'm not thinking either way.

I'm going to try and keep myself as busy as possible and hopefully I will get an answer one way or another. I'm not going to wait either - if a man comes along and wants to go out and I feel comfortable I won't turn down the opportunity.

Almost A Goner

I almost met my demise on Tuesday. I have this need for speed and I LOVE going down ramps and hills. Well, I met the first hill I couldn't stop on. It was the drive way up to the parking lot which met it lead into a street. Not a busy one, but with cars nonetheless. I'm at the top and I say daddy watch for cars. I'm such a big kid sometimes. He's like ok - no ones coming. I didn't think the hill was as steep as it was, but I was motoring and next thing I hear dad say is CAR! STOP! CAR!!! Well, I couldn't stop as much as I tried to. The rubber on my wheels was burning my hands and next thing I know is I'm flying into the middle of the street with a car just a couple of feet from hitting me. He wasn't going that fast, but he had to stop quickly and I probably gave that poor old man a heart attack and it scared the crap out of my dad. I couldn't stop until I was in the opposite lane - so I went across 4 lanes roughly. I still had fun going down it. Dad made me take the walk way the rest of the trip. He was shaking his head at me and said no more. I never want to see that again!! I thought I would be picking you up and calling an ambulance. Talk about a quick way to get to the front door. At least he could joke about it a little bit.

It really didn't look all that steep and dad even thought I would be able to stop on it. I misjudged it. That's my fault. The daredevil in me sure likes the speed though. I need to find a safer way of getting the wind to rush through my hair. I won't attempt that again unless there is a looooooong sidewalk at the end for me to cruise down. I'm safe and I know it could have been a lot worse.

I would never ever want my dad to wittness something like that. He was shaken up over that event to say the least - I could tell so I will be more careful of when I am launching myself down a hill no matter where I am at.

I'm Cured...

...well technically not, but sorta. I'll explain.

I had my four-month Lupus check up on Thursday and all my lab work that I had done on Wednesday came back perfect. Last months lab results my platelets and liver counts were off a little, but when I had them rechecked the following week they were normal so most likely a fluke/off test.

Dr. Fanciullo and I discussed my Cell Cept dose and I told him they do make the drug in 250mg tablets so if he wants to try going down a little more than we could. I have been at 1000mg for over two years and he said we will check my blood work next month and if everything is ok we will go down to 500mg and not even worry with getting 250mg tablets and dropping down to 750mg. He said if all goes well with that I will soon be off it. That shocked me and scares me a little. I have been on it for so long that I don't want to rock the boat. The drug is my cushion barrier to stay off that nasty Predisone. I never thought I would be off it totally ever. I will still continue to take Plaquenil as it doesn't have the side effects and it will keep the Lupus calm and worse case scenario by going off Cell Cept in the future is that my monthly blood work would show signs and I would just go back on it. It beats going back on Prednisone right away that's for sure.

He checked my hands for the red bumpys (my medical term) since I am his only patient that has that symptom when the Lupus is active and checked my lungs. After that he said it looks like you are in perfect health. With that I announced " I'm Cured!!" and Dr. Fanciullo shook his head yes. That surprised me, but I know that the Lupus is still there - it is just very calm and undetectable. Going out the door I was blowing a bubble with my gum and he goes you have been in remission for two years now and I held up three fingers and he goes, well who's counting and I pointed to me.

I am counting every year that I stay in remission as another year that I don't have to worry about - nasty hospital stays, is my blood count high enough for me to get out of bed today, the fight with pressure sores, icky drugs that make my hair fall out and make me gain a ton of weight, among a million other nasty things that happen when the Lupus is active. So three years IS a big difference over two and you bet I will count! I spent two years in bed from being sick so to have another extra year over that – it's huge and I hope to continue to add on more years.

He didn't even bring up Actonel. I think he is sick of butting heads with me on it. I did forget the info I printed on it that said it wouldn't do much good for somone with SCI, but did tell him that an FES bike would be beneficial for osteoporosis and asked if they could get one. I said they were 17 grand and he said ask your rehab people at Sanford to get one - he just donanted 400 million, they can afford it. It's a thought.

YIPPEE FOR REMISSION!!!

Men...

...I can't live with them and I can't live without them seems to be the saying as of late. I haven't had a steady boyfriend since mid-February, but dated a few different guys over the last few months. Some better than others and some that didn't just click at all. On top of dating my ex's from past have decided to want to contact me out of the blue for whatever their reasons may be - mostly to say the miss me and want me back. I have talked to them, but not often. That's not a path I want to go down again with either of them and if I start chatting too much then I might find myself getting attached again. It took me a long while to get over the one and the last thing I need is to be hurt by him again.

Through the guys I have dated whether it was long term or short term I learn a lot quicker if new guys are not going to be right for me. I'm content with being single right now, but I cannot tell a lie as I do wish I could find someone to love me for me and all of me. Not just the parts they see or pick and choose what they like of me. I want the guy in for the good, the bad, and the ugly.

My friend Stacy is constantly looking for me to find someone. She sees who I am and that's great, but I don't know if I want to be set up. I guess it can't hurt to try as all of the guys I have met through her have been great. I tend to be kind of picky and that's my flaw. I am trying to be less picky because we all have flaws. I'm also very head strong and stand up for what I believe in and if a man has too much baggage then it is not going to work out either. Two recent guys that I had (had being the keyword) been seeing had to many ex issues. I call it "ex"cess baggage. It is too hard to make a relationship work when their ex is a part of the equation. I could care less if she is upset about us going out on a date, but I do care when you pick up that damn cell phone to text her back to calm her down. This is "our" time to be together so if you want to spend time on your cell phone you should have just stayed home.

Dating was so much easier when cell phones weren't involved. I get annoyed with cell phones very easily. If mine is ringing too much I dislike it and seriously hate it when I am on a date. I have the common decency to turn mine off when I am out with a guy, but do they? Of course not. Might miss that all important text from your ex. Most calls and texts can wait. When you are getting to know someone I think it is best to let some rings go.

I don't have a specific type of guy I like. I just want some commonality in the relationship. We do not have to like all the same things because frankly that could get boring, but I do want us to share some passions together whether it would be football, Nascar, music, etc. I don't want us to hang out and his idea of fun is playing video games. Been there, done that. I'm not the jealous type, but if you give me a reason to be jealous then you will hear something out of me. I don't mind if he wants to hang out with his friends and me with mine, but I do want us to combine hanging out with each others friends. I don't want a relationship where all we do is hang out with each other and distant our friends. I have lost a lot of friends to relationships like that. I don't ever want to be a person that does that to my friends. It is rude.

I'm not going to look too hard and if I find someone along the way that's great, but I'm enjoying my summer and having fun. Hopefully Mr. Right doesn't wait too long to grab me and get my attention.

I'm Ready For A New Puppy

It has just been over a year since we had to put our beloved Kibbles down after 15 great years with us. I miss her all the time because she was THE funniest dog ever. There will never be another one like her and she could never be replaced, but talking it over with mom and dad we are ready for a new puppy in the house.

For the longest time I said I would never get another Shih Tzu because that's what breed Kibbles was, but now I have changed my mind. I had my heart set on getting a Puggle, but after researching them and looking at pictures of them as they get bigger well, they are UGLY! They are the cutest little thangs as puppies, but all of the adult pics I have seen I have not cared for. Another thing is Puggles shed and I know my mom would have a serious cow if there was dog hair all over the house. Another breed I was considering were Bichon Frise, but there are already two of those on my street - one next door and one across the street. Need a little variety on the block. I just love the personalities of Shih Tzu's. They are tough little shits with BIG personalities in little bodies. On top of that they have huge hearts. They love their families and practically anyone that comes in the door. I think that's one of the things I miss the most about Kibbles. When I come home she's not there to greet me at the door to see if I have a glove or something to give to her to add to her pile in the middle of the floor. Don't get me wrong there's a million things I miss about her, but far too numerous to list.

Puppies and dogs just bring so much joy to a house. No matter how shitty of a day you have had they can always make you feel better whether they do something funny or if they just want to cuddle up with you - they can make a bad day better.

I've been looking in the classifieds in my area and found four different places that have Shih Tzu's for sale. Only one had a website and they have a cute little boy Shih Tzu that I would love to have, but I don't know if my parents want to shell out $600 bucks for him. His breeder is located in Sioux City and we could possibly stop and take a look at him Saturday when I am coming home from Omaha. I could only find one bad report on this breeder and it was recent so I would insist that we see the puppy first as opposed to them mailing him to us. I wouldn't trust that and it's only an hour and half away. No need to mail the puppy. I'm getting ahead of myself because mom or dad haven't said yes, but I'm going to be optimistic about it.

We'll see how eager my parents are to get a new puppy. They keep watching dog shows and commenting - that has to be a good sign. We all know it is going to be just as spoiled as Kibbles because my family can't say no to cute little faces. I know with the new puppy he will go to obedience school which is something we didn't do with Kibbles. I want the new puppy gate trained for when we go on trips. That's the main thing I want done with the new puppy whoever that puppy may be. We didn't do that with Kibbles and we couldn't leave her in a kennel in fear she would not eat or drink while in there. We almost her when we went away for four days and the kennel didn't bother to see if she ate or drank. Never again was she left without a babysitter for the house. Yep, that's right. We hired a babysitter for Kibbles. The other thing would be groomer trained since Shih Tzu's need to have their hair trimmed up ever so often. Kibbles was a pain in the ass about it. New puppy will be more calm about it I hope.

Well, if I don't get that cute little guy in Sioux City I hope to have a cute little puppy within a month or so. I'll be puppy shopping that's for sure.

O Romo, Romo! wherefore art thou Romo?

Mr. Adorable Tony Romo - you are starting to hit a major nerve with me in the off season. I have read that he had a killer mini camp, but it's what he is doing off the field that has me worried. Yes, he is the starter of the Dallas Cowboys, but he is running around like he is the next big thing. He very well could be, but he hasn't proved that yet and until he does I think it is best for Romo to keep a low profile because if he doesn't it is going to bite him in the ass hard.

Will Romo be able to keep it on the down low? Probably not. We didn't have this problem with the previous starting QB's since Troy Aikman. I know Aikman went through his trials and tribulations with who he was dating or who he wasn't, etc. but that wasn't until he was an established QB. Romo has only played eleven games - eight of those he played great. With Aikman though it didn't explode to what a lot of people are calling Romomania. Romo's choice in women and public appearances isn't helping him stay under the radar either. When you walk the red carpet with Carrie Underwood at the Country Music Awards and hold her purse when she wins an award that's pretty damn huge. I don't know country music well, but she's one of the biggest things in country music right now.

Now the National Enquire has reported that Romo has benched the relationship to concentrate on football. There's a great idea. Concentrating on football - who would have thought. I'm not going to buy into what the National Enquire says - until Romo says it I won't believe it. The guy can have a social life outside of football - I just don't want it getting in the way of football like it did last year. Romo's personal life is just that - HIS personal life, but ALL this drama of who he is dating true or not is/was effecting his playing last year and I see that it could be a potential problem this year. I so wish I had the power to scream things through the TV and he could hear me. Numerous people heard me say keep it in your pants until the season is over last year - I don't want to be repeating myself this year. The whole team looked like shit the last five games and we shouldn't have been in the playoffs. With that being said the botched field goal is an example of him not thinking clearly. I do not blame the loss of the Seattle game on him as I know many people do - I'm just trying to state his head wasn't totally on football.

We see him at the CMA's and his next public appearance is at the Miss Universe Pageant in Mexico City as a celebrity judge. When did Tony Romo launch into Dan Marino and Brett Favre status? I'm not liking that he is be bopping everywhere like he is a celebrity. Sure, having the title of being the Starting Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys has a lot of power behind it, but right now he shouldn't have this "celebrity" status. You are NOT that celebrity yet and even if you get there - Marino and Favre had the class to keep it on the down low and not bounce from once celebrity to the next. Last year at this time no one knew who Romo was unless they were related to him, followed the Dallas Cowboys, or attend(ed) his alma mater Eastern Illinois University. There is no reason he can't have a social life in the off season and during the season, but there is no need to be a man whore either.

I have all the confidence in the world that Romo has what it takes to be a great QB for the Cowboys, but I think he will fall short if he doesn't get his head out of the damn clouds. T.O. used to be the one that is/was in the news ALL the time, but I have yet to hear a whisper out of him which is music to my ears. I adore Romo and am glad he is our QB, but he needs to grow up and shape up and get his butt on the field. This isn't a time to play musical chairs with the ditsy blond women of the music world. It is time to take MY Cowboys to a Superbowl. I truly hope he really is going to concentrate on football. Teams are going to be ready for him this year - there is a lot more tape on him and with all the hype on him they will be gunning for him that much more. With that he has to be extra sharp on the field or we could be in for a long season. It is WAY too soon to tell on what kind of season we are going to have, but hopefully our QB will be prepared and have all the lovey dovey stuff straightened out before putting on the uniform.