My Security Blanket Is Gone

There is literally no trace of him left anywhere -- no phone, no Internet. He just up and disappeared on me without a goodbye. I'm talking about a ex that remained in my life after a very painful and heartbreaking break up. He wasn't in my life for a very long time after he broke my heart, but one day he emailed me out of the blue and we started talking again. He apologized for what he did and wish he could have changed his choices, etc. None of that took the hurt away and if anything him coming back into my life brought back so many emotions. Love and hurt all in one emotional roller coaster ride. It took me a very long time to get over him and with him coming back I did get very confused on what we both wanted.

We began to talk once in a while - no often, but enough to be civil with one another. The conversations got to be more frequent and like old times. Not to the point that I would fall in love with him again, but enough that he at times would give me butterflies. He always had a way with words and sweeping me off my feet with them, but they were just that - words. At times after a conversation I would curse him for even coming back into my life. It took me months to get over the hurt and what he did. I can't say that I forgave him. I'm sure a part of me did, but not all of me and no matter what might have happened between us had we gotten back together I don't think, no I know I couldn't have forgotten what he had done.

As our conversations became more frequent we began to become friends again. When we first met he was helping me get out of a somewhat abusive relationship. I wasn't strong enough to tell this guy no, but with his help and love I was able to get out of it without getting too hurt. When he told me he was in love with me I melted. It felt so right even though I wasn't ready to say those words. He waited until I was ready to feel love again and never pressured me. It was a love I haven't felt in a very long time. It was like a fairy tale. Maybe then I should have realized it was too good to be true. He was that guy again. Anyway, he would listen to me about the loser guys I have dated and tell me I deserved so much more and he wish he could make it right again. I vowed that I would never go back to him ever again, but part of me felt that I could take him back. He was always a good listener and gave me good advice on what to do with whatever current guy I was dating at the time. He never once said dump them and take me back. He became my security blanket - no matter how shitty guys were being here I knew I could always talk to him and he could make me feel better.

I haven't had a decent long relationship since we ended in summer of 2005. I am terrified to open up again in fear I am going to get hurt. I have so many walls up and though I want commitment - I am scared of it too. I never want to feel the hurt that I felt that June day when he told me he was going back to his ex who left him so many years ago. Now, my security blanket is totally gone. He is not there to talk to anymore as friends or anything more. I don't know where he went or why he went, but I cannot lie and say I don't miss him because I do. I guess a small part of me will always care for him. With that I am going to post the poem I wrote after we ended.

Shattered

My heart still breaks every single day
To not know is killing me
You are a little boy trapped in a man’s body
Not man enough to tell me the truth
Not man enough to face me in person
Your actions repeat those of your father
Left me alone without an answer
Left me alone without any closure

Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we use to have
Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we could have had

You shattered me into a million pieces
Pieces I do not think will ever be whole again
You gave me the world and took it all away
All for someone who left when you needed her most

You were the love of my life
The one that wanted to raise my vail
And have that baby girl
The one that said we would grow old together
And stare a lifetime into my eyes
What ever happened to him?
What ever happened to our fate?

I never knew what true love was like until I found you
I never knew what true love was like until I lost you

I am always the one that is so strong
But with all my power and strength
I cannot put you out of my mind and heart
You took away my trust
You took away my passion and spirit
You took away everything I cherished most

You made me feel so special
And wanted to spend the rest of forever with me
I lit up at the sound of your voice
And you took my breath away
I melted every time you said I Love You
And always put a smile on my face
Made the most difficult times better
With a promise to always be there
Here I am at my most difficult time with no smile in sight
And you are no where to be found
I guess forever got be too long
I never imagined Prince Charming could be so wrong

One day you will realize what you have lost
By then it will be too late
No matter how much I still care for you
Nothing could make me take you back

I want to find someone who can take away the pain you have caused
Will I ever let him?
I can only hope
I have put up my walls again
And hide my feelings from those who care

Someone will find me again
I hope he will have the patience
And give me that chance
Keep trying when I push him away
And understand my hesitation
It is all because of you
I will not be crushed again

©Kristina Allen 2005

With that it is time to say goodbye to him once again. It isn't as difficult as it was that June day. I'm a stronger more stubborn woman and if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore - I can deal with it. I know in the back of my mind he is going to pop up down the road - hopefully by then I have some wonderful guy in my life that I don't repeat the cycle and let history repeat itself. Time to let him go and leave it end peacefully.