I don't know if it is so lucky, but 13 years ago today my life changed. Today is the anniversary of the day I became paralyzed. I really think there should be a different word for such a day, but since there isn't I will go with it. You would think after 13 years I would be able to come up with something more unique. I mean seriously if you think about all the words that could be synonyms for anniversary they are all pretty happy occasion words. Unforntently this isn't a happy occasion.
So far today I am OK. Not, good, not bad, just OK. I have a ton of homework to keep my mind off things and have to upload vacation pictures. Oh joy. I just got back from Vegas and though it was a wee bit cold, I had an awesome time. Some times this day just goes by and I totally forget about it and other times I remember it and feel like reminiscing a bit. Today I am remembering it.
A lot has happened in the last 13 years and not all good. I had a lot of ups and downs with the Lupus relapsing over the years and far too many hospitalizations. Thankfully, the Lupus has been in remission for four years and haven't seen the inside of a hospital room since I broke my femur a year and half ago so health wise I couldn't be better. I've weened of two medications this past year and though I was apprehensive about going off them, my blood work is perfect. Knock on wood.
I keep changing my mind about school. I'm not happy with my school and haven't been in a while. I'm doing well, but I guess I am just bored and in a rut and wanting change. There's a shocker - me wanting change. I am not getting what I want out of it and they have me going far too long for as many credits that I do have. It is ridiculous. I'm in the process of possibly going back to my first college as I would be able to finish a lot sooner. They will be getting back to me hopefully next week. If that is the case I can soon start working on the goal of seeking employment in a much warmer climate when I finish school.
This has been an extremely long winter and it has been tough getting around. It is March 7th and it was windy and snowy yesterday and extremely cold today. It was brutal coming out of class last night. Thought I was going to blow away. I threw my back out for the first time in November to get on my truck lift in an unplowed parking lot. I still hurt today and the chiropractor says I have a displaced right shoulder. It will be nice to someday not have to worry about snow. I dream of that day. The grass peaked through a little bit while we were in Vegas, but my first night back we got another 3 inches. GO AWAY SNOW!
In the last year my advocacy efforts have stepped up. I actually got two cases solved as opposed to having some lawyer take over the case and have it sit on their desk collecting dust. It's a high sense of accomplishment to help those that are too shy to say something or don't know how to go about fixing it. Me, I have no problems bitching about it until is fixed right. I was once that shy girl that wouldn't say anything. I hope to work on more issues in the future.
I'm 28 years old and not where I thought I would be at this age. I dream of marriage and kids, but Prince Charming hasn't showed up on his white horse yet. Mostly the guys that I have dated have been riding stubborn old mules. I'm working on opening up my heart a little more - working on certain trust issues, etc. It all takes time. I don't know if it will all ever come back, but a little bit at a time works for me now. To think when I was younger and so naive I trusted everyone with everything. I'm not that invincible little girl anymore. The CRAZY Kissing Kristi is slowing down a bit. Don't worry - she's still there, she just doesn't come out near as much as she once did. I have to leave some in the tank for that Prince Charming when he comes along. ;)
Another year has gone by and thank goodness we are nearing the end of President Bush. There is no saying the next President is going to approve stem cell research, but gosh I am hoping he or she will. It's been a LONG 8 years with him in office. I'm not saying that is the cure to walking, but it is a chance so why not give it to us and so many other diseases? I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket in saying that is the only way. I know that and don't rely on a cure to continue living, but it would be nice to see the researchers be able to get some funding and try it. I don't think a chance is too much to ask for.
I have my health and happiness and those are two things a lot of people don't have. I'm grateful for them because I know it could be a whole helluva lot worse. Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. I'm looking forward to a great upcoming 13th year, not because it has been 13 years, but because I think it will be a great year. Heres hoping.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
My Security Blanket Is Gone
There is literally no trace of him left anywhere -- no phone, no Internet. He just up and disappeared on me without a goodbye. I'm talking about a ex that remained in my life after a very painful and heartbreaking break up. He wasn't in my life for a very long time after he broke my heart, but one day he emailed me out of the blue and we started talking again. He apologized for what he did and wish he could have changed his choices, etc. None of that took the hurt away and if anything him coming back into my life brought back so many emotions. Love and hurt all in one emotional roller coaster ride. It took me a very long time to get over him and with him coming back I did get very confused on what we both wanted.
We began to talk once in a while - no often, but enough to be civil with one another. The conversations got to be more frequent and like old times. Not to the point that I would fall in love with him again, but enough that he at times would give me butterflies. He always had a way with words and sweeping me off my feet with them, but they were just that - words. At times after a conversation I would curse him for even coming back into my life. It took me months to get over the hurt and what he did. I can't say that I forgave him. I'm sure a part of me did, but not all of me and no matter what might have happened between us had we gotten back together I don't think, no I know I couldn't have forgotten what he had done.
As our conversations became more frequent we began to become friends again. When we first met he was helping me get out of a somewhat abusive relationship. I wasn't strong enough to tell this guy no, but with his help and love I was able to get out of it without getting too hurt. When he told me he was in love with me I melted. It felt so right even though I wasn't ready to say those words. He waited until I was ready to feel love again and never pressured me. It was a love I haven't felt in a very long time. It was like a fairy tale. Maybe then I should have realized it was too good to be true. He was that guy again. Anyway, he would listen to me about the loser guys I have dated and tell me I deserved so much more and he wish he could make it right again. I vowed that I would never go back to him ever again, but part of me felt that I could take him back. He was always a good listener and gave me good advice on what to do with whatever current guy I was dating at the time. He never once said dump them and take me back. He became my security blanket - no matter how shitty guys were being here I knew I could always talk to him and he could make me feel better.
I haven't had a decent long relationship since we ended in summer of 2005. I am terrified to open up again in fear I am going to get hurt. I have so many walls up and though I want commitment - I am scared of it too. I never want to feel the hurt that I felt that June day when he told me he was going back to his ex who left him so many years ago. Now, my security blanket is totally gone. He is not there to talk to anymore as friends or anything more. I don't know where he went or why he went, but I cannot lie and say I don't miss him because I do. I guess a small part of me will always care for him. With that I am going to post the poem I wrote after we ended.
With that it is time to say goodbye to him once again. It isn't as difficult as it was that June day. I'm a stronger more stubborn woman and if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore - I can deal with it. I know in the back of my mind he is going to pop up down the road - hopefully by then I have some wonderful guy in my life that I don't repeat the cycle and let history repeat itself. Time to let him go and leave it end peacefully.
We began to talk once in a while - no often, but enough to be civil with one another. The conversations got to be more frequent and like old times. Not to the point that I would fall in love with him again, but enough that he at times would give me butterflies. He always had a way with words and sweeping me off my feet with them, but they were just that - words. At times after a conversation I would curse him for even coming back into my life. It took me months to get over the hurt and what he did. I can't say that I forgave him. I'm sure a part of me did, but not all of me and no matter what might have happened between us had we gotten back together I don't think, no I know I couldn't have forgotten what he had done.
As our conversations became more frequent we began to become friends again. When we first met he was helping me get out of a somewhat abusive relationship. I wasn't strong enough to tell this guy no, but with his help and love I was able to get out of it without getting too hurt. When he told me he was in love with me I melted. It felt so right even though I wasn't ready to say those words. He waited until I was ready to feel love again and never pressured me. It was a love I haven't felt in a very long time. It was like a fairy tale. Maybe then I should have realized it was too good to be true. He was that guy again. Anyway, he would listen to me about the loser guys I have dated and tell me I deserved so much more and he wish he could make it right again. I vowed that I would never go back to him ever again, but part of me felt that I could take him back. He was always a good listener and gave me good advice on what to do with whatever current guy I was dating at the time. He never once said dump them and take me back. He became my security blanket - no matter how shitty guys were being here I knew I could always talk to him and he could make me feel better.
I haven't had a decent long relationship since we ended in summer of 2005. I am terrified to open up again in fear I am going to get hurt. I have so many walls up and though I want commitment - I am scared of it too. I never want to feel the hurt that I felt that June day when he told me he was going back to his ex who left him so many years ago. Now, my security blanket is totally gone. He is not there to talk to anymore as friends or anything more. I don't know where he went or why he went, but I cannot lie and say I don't miss him because I do. I guess a small part of me will always care for him. With that I am going to post the poem I wrote after we ended.
Shattered
My heart still breaks every single day
To not know is killing me
You are a little boy trapped in a man’s body
Not man enough to tell me the truth
Not man enough to face me in person
Your actions repeat those of your father
Left me alone without an answer
Left me alone without any closure
Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we use to have
Tears run down my face
Just thinking of what we could have had
You shattered me into a million pieces
Pieces I do not think will ever be whole again
You gave me the world and took it all away
All for someone who left when you needed her most
You were the love of my life
The one that wanted to raise my vail
And have that baby girl
The one that said we would grow old together
And stare a lifetime into my eyes
What ever happened to him?
What ever happened to our fate?
I never knew what true love was like until I found you
I never knew what true love was like until I lost you
I am always the one that is so strong
But with all my power and strength
I cannot put you out of my mind and heart
You took away my trust
You took away my passion and spirit
You took away everything I cherished most
You made me feel so special
And wanted to spend the rest of forever with me
I lit up at the sound of your voice
And you took my breath away
I melted every time you said I Love You
And always put a smile on my face
Made the most difficult times better
With a promise to always be there
Here I am at my most difficult time with no smile in sight
And you are no where to be found
I guess forever got be too long
I never imagined Prince Charming could be so wrong
One day you will realize what you have lost
By then it will be too late
No matter how much I still care for you
Nothing could make me take you back
I want to find someone who can take away the pain you have caused
Will I ever let him?
I can only hope
I have put up my walls again
And hide my feelings from those who care
Someone will find me again
I hope he will have the patience
And give me that chance
Keep trying when I push him away
And understand my hesitation
It is all because of you
I will not be crushed again
©Kristina Allen 2005
With that it is time to say goodbye to him once again. It isn't as difficult as it was that June day. I'm a stronger more stubborn woman and if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore - I can deal with it. I know in the back of my mind he is going to pop up down the road - hopefully by then I have some wonderful guy in my life that I don't repeat the cycle and let history repeat itself. Time to let him go and leave it end peacefully.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Cowboys Only Ones To Blame
It has been a week since the Cowboys let a 13-3 season go down the toilet with a loss to the New York Giants. It seems longer than a week since that game was played, but they have no one to blame, but themselves. I knew this game wouldn’t be easy for the Cowboys and a part of me was worried that we would lose. Our December play was shitty and you would think after a second straight year of the team collapsing down the final stretch that coach Phillips would be doing everything in his power to get the team ready for the playoffs. Well, that would be the logical thing to do, but instead of watching the Giants/Bucs game Coach Phillips decides to let everyone have a few days off. Days off the team should have been practicing and watching film.
It’s no secret that Romo was in Cabo with his latest squeeze Jessica Simpson. Tagging along was Witten and a few other teammates. I just found out today that Julius Jones and half the offensive line was partying in Vegas the same weekend. Romo says he doesn’t regret the trip and he said it was a better choice then partying and drinking in Vegas. Both trips were equally stupid. It obviously affected their playing because well, the Packers and Giants are playing as I type this. As far as I know Cabo and Vegas are still open this week. The trips could have waited. Those 13 wins and that bye week don’t mean shit now.
On top of that Jerry Jones decides to let two coaches go interview on the bye week for head coaching jobs. Sparano and Garrett were in Baltimore, Atlanta, and Miami. Well, it is obvious by how the offensive line collapsed in the fourth quarter that Sparano should have been spending more time with them instead of interviewing for a new job. We knew Parcells wanted him, why couldn’t the interview wait until the season was over? It is evident that it effected the team because when he returned they all yelled when he came back "Don’t Leave Tony." Garrett has decided to stay. That’s fine with me, but I sure hope he learns to call a better game then he did in the last month. It was beyond pathetic play calling.
We had every opportunity to win that game and there was no reason for us to lose it. I feel bad for those that were there to play. Barber played his heart out. For the most part we looked like a pretty sloppy team to be the number one seed in the NFC. Crayton and his big fat mouth dropping perfectly thrown balls that were right in the numbers. Yeah, I don’t see you talking now you shithead. One of my biggest pet peeves is when players shoot their mouth off before or after games. I’m talking all players - not just the Cowboys. I wonder what Crayton is saying now that New England is good enough to go to the Super Bowl? "If they make it to Arizona, we will see them again. Seriously, I'm not backing down from that statement," receiver Patrick Crayton said Monday, a day after a 48-27 loss to the Patriots. Well, unless Crayton has tickets to the Super Bowl – he’s not seeing them in Arizona anytime soon. Play the game and shut your mouth! Do your talking on the field because otherwise you look like a complete idiot!
It is going to be an extremely long offseason and we need to improve on a lot of things. I hope Marion Barber gets the contract he wants because I would hate to see him go and a lot of teams would love to have him. Our special teams needs a serious over haul as does our defense. Roy Williams either needs to drop some weight or put more on. He is far too slow to be a safety anymore. We get burned deep too much because of him. I think he would be better suited as a linebacker. We need to find a new corner or two. We could be so much better going up against wide receivers. Our defense gave up too many points. Offensively we are pretty sound. A few changes to the offensive line for protection would be ideal. We have a great offense when we want to use it, but it could use a few additions too.
We had a bye week to prepare to take down the Giants, recover from injuries, but it sounds like partying and relaxing was done more than anything. If we are lucky enough to make it to the playoffs next year, I hope we don’t get a bye. I hope we learned from these stupid mistakes.
It’s no secret that Romo was in Cabo with his latest squeeze Jessica Simpson. Tagging along was Witten and a few other teammates. I just found out today that Julius Jones and half the offensive line was partying in Vegas the same weekend. Romo says he doesn’t regret the trip and he said it was a better choice then partying and drinking in Vegas. Both trips were equally stupid. It obviously affected their playing because well, the Packers and Giants are playing as I type this. As far as I know Cabo and Vegas are still open this week. The trips could have waited. Those 13 wins and that bye week don’t mean shit now.
On top of that Jerry Jones decides to let two coaches go interview on the bye week for head coaching jobs. Sparano and Garrett were in Baltimore, Atlanta, and Miami. Well, it is obvious by how the offensive line collapsed in the fourth quarter that Sparano should have been spending more time with them instead of interviewing for a new job. We knew Parcells wanted him, why couldn’t the interview wait until the season was over? It is evident that it effected the team because when he returned they all yelled when he came back "Don’t Leave Tony." Garrett has decided to stay. That’s fine with me, but I sure hope he learns to call a better game then he did in the last month. It was beyond pathetic play calling.
We had every opportunity to win that game and there was no reason for us to lose it. I feel bad for those that were there to play. Barber played his heart out. For the most part we looked like a pretty sloppy team to be the number one seed in the NFC. Crayton and his big fat mouth dropping perfectly thrown balls that were right in the numbers. Yeah, I don’t see you talking now you shithead. One of my biggest pet peeves is when players shoot their mouth off before or after games. I’m talking all players - not just the Cowboys. I wonder what Crayton is saying now that New England is good enough to go to the Super Bowl? "If they make it to Arizona, we will see them again. Seriously, I'm not backing down from that statement," receiver Patrick Crayton said Monday, a day after a 48-27 loss to the Patriots. Well, unless Crayton has tickets to the Super Bowl – he’s not seeing them in Arizona anytime soon. Play the game and shut your mouth! Do your talking on the field because otherwise you look like a complete idiot!
It is going to be an extremely long offseason and we need to improve on a lot of things. I hope Marion Barber gets the contract he wants because I would hate to see him go and a lot of teams would love to have him. Our special teams needs a serious over haul as does our defense. Roy Williams either needs to drop some weight or put more on. He is far too slow to be a safety anymore. We get burned deep too much because of him. I think he would be better suited as a linebacker. We need to find a new corner or two. We could be so much better going up against wide receivers. Our defense gave up too many points. Offensively we are pretty sound. A few changes to the offensive line for protection would be ideal. We have a great offense when we want to use it, but it could use a few additions too.
We had a bye week to prepare to take down the Giants, recover from injuries, but it sounds like partying and relaxing was done more than anything. If we are lucky enough to make it to the playoffs next year, I hope we don’t get a bye. I hope we learned from these stupid mistakes.
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